Well, as some of you may know...I've been dating. Okay, it was only two dates, but it counts. And, two it shall remain, because I don't want to date this guy anymore. Now, I'm not saying that it's going to take a superman to sweep me off my feet (unless one is interested...call me ;), but Love is the last bastion of wonder my pathetic little soul still clings to. So, I've decided that I would rather grow old and die alone than settle and disillusion myself. But I'd prefer the superman. So, since years of schooling have brainwashed me into systematically structuring and itemizing my thoughts...I'm going to make a list. Tell your friends!
1) Requirements - there are must haves for any aspiring suitor. Well, I might bend on them a little if the guy is really hot....no, I'm sticking to them.
a) He must like me. I know this sounds pretty obvious, but if a guy doesn't like me it's a deal-breaker. The more he likes me the better. I would like to think that this requirement isn't too strenuous...but I can only think of one person who's qualified so far. Sad, isn't it? Oh well...I'm not bending on this one.
b) He must be gay. I won't be the focal point of someone else's self-loathing...again. Bisexuals will recieve a probationary period during which I can decide whether they qualify as gay...but don't hold your collective breath; bi's already have one strike against them.
2) Negotiable - these aren't set in stone...but they aren't exactly trivial either.
a)Should qualify for two or more of the following
i) He should be smarter than me. Now, for all of those of you who I've fooled into thinking that I'm some kind of genius...well, I've been misleading you. I don't think this requirement should be too hard to fill. After all, statistically according to IQ, there are millions of people who qualify.
ii) He should be more attractive than me. Don't look at me that way. Seriously, this should be really easy to do...so I don't mind requiring it. And remember, it's my opinion of their attractiveness...I'm not sure if that makes it better...fine, I'm shallow, leave me alone now!
iii) He should be fun. Now, note that I didn't not say "nice". I don't care if you're nice (except to me, of course), but I do want someone who doesn't mind playing my silly word games. Someone who other people like, so I can hide behind them in social settings. Someone who doesn't bore me (I'm boring enough). And remember, you only have to qualify for two parts of this section. And your funness is subjective.
iv) He should have some sort of passion. I don't care what it is. Religion? Sure. Politics? Whatever. Work? Well...okay. Really, I'm apathetic enough, I need a man who can care about something. Plus, guys in an earnest fervor are hot.
b)Should qualify for one of the following
i) He should be a "normal" guy. Now, I know that the word normal doesn't really mean anything, but you all know what I mean anyway. I don't want a guy who's too effeminate. I don't want a guy who's a psychopath. Graduate it from there.
ii) He should be extraordinary in some way. So, I like normal guys, but if you are a psychopath, but you still qualify otherwise, I could probably overlook your pathological lying and lack of conscience if you showed undying devotion to me (which would be extraordinary...but if you start to kill people, I'll probably turn you in for your own good...but I'd visit you in prison). Or, I could probably date a nelly who qualified otherwise if they were super hot. And, to be honest, if you have vast psychic powers (and you meet the first requirements), don't bother reading the rest of qualifiers...you're in. :)
3) Bonuses - these aren't too important, but certainly are nice. And might bump someone up a notch if the are lacking in part 2...
a) I like guys who are thin. Yeah, I know...stop booing. Okay, so here goes. I've been overweight for a long time. So, it's sort of become the tether point of my self-loathing. So, I like guys who don't have my problem. You know, it's like bald guys becoming obsessed with chicks with great hair. Or something. ...I don't have to explain myself to you! :)
b) I like guys who are pale. Seriously, I like a guy who can glow in a black light. I know it's weird. I think it's because I was into vampires in my developmental stage or something. Whatever the reason...guys, skip that tanning session.
c) I like blue eyes. I've always wanted blue eyes. I think it's because my first crush was on Superman. ...that's not strange.
d) I like black or blond hair. But I'm not picky about hair.
e) I like a guy who can write computer code. Again, not mandatory, but a hold-out from my first love.
f) I like a guy who speaks a foreign language. Now, actually being foreign isn't what I'm after here (but as long as you're not an asshole, talking about your hometown in name-a-country is a sure way to make me googly eyed...but if you're asshole it has the exact opposite effect on me). I just like a guy who's willing to speak to me in forn...cause I loving learning languages. Makes me feel smart or something. And forn sounds purty.
g) I like a guy with money. Now, this is a real touchy subject, because most guys who like to spend money on their significant other do it the wrong way. I like a guy who buys me stuff because he CARES. Not because he's showing off his buying power, or trying to bribe me, or trying to buy my love when he's lacking in other areas, or ...well you get the idea. Like I said, it's like walking a tight-rope. Let's just say I like a guy who isn't stingy.
f) I like a guy who shares my interests. Now, this is pretty far down on the list for a reason: I'm not really even THAT into my interests. So, I like a guy who shares my interests, but brings in some of his own so I can expand my horizons. But, if we already have something in common, it makes thing go oh so much more smoothly. Oh, you should really start reading Heinlein before we meet...just to make things easier. :)
Okay, I'm starting to bore myself...so I'll call it quits. Now, this list was just off the top of my head, so I probably missed some stuff...but it gives a pretty good idea. ...a good idea of why I should change the name of this post to "Reasons I Will Always Be Alone"! HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH....oh wait, I'm making fun of myself. That's not funny. :( So...yeah... ... ...Firefly Rocks!
